03.10.94

A letter to God’s newest angel

Posted in How AngelAID Started at 11:43 pm by AngelMOM

Dear Tashia,

I know, Precious, that sounds so formal — but it just doesn’t seem right to address an angel as “Punkin-butt!” Oh well, when did you or I ever follow the rules? And now, with you in Heaven, all the rules have changed and I feel so lost.

Suddenly you know all the truths of the Universe and I’M the one with all the questions! (I liked it better when you trusted “Momomy” (as you spelled it) and Daddy to fix anything in the world, except your disease.) Suddenly I can talk to you as an adult, and I just want to hold you in my arms and hear you say, as you did so often: “Mommy, let’s talk about God.”

Now that I don’t have to speak to you as a child, there are so many things I want to tell you! When you came to us as from the hospital, a week after your ninth birthday, you were sexually and physically abused; so scared you hid in closets; so hyper-vigilant and full of anger that a social worker warned us, knowing we had expected a cuddly baby, that you were ugly. (Only two months later the same woman would marvel at how beautiful you were — isn’t it amazing what a little love and stability can do?)

You were so starved for affection that you used made-up words so that I would spend long periods questioning you about what I thought were cultural misunderstandings. (And they told us you were retarded!) And you were so sick, dying of AIDS that they told us you only had four months to live. (And you lived two years, to the day, that God gave you to us.)

They didn’t want to give you to us, as a first foster child; I told them that you were the child God had chosen for us — why else would a childless, white couple in their 40’s, married 18 years, suddenly decide: “Gee, we need to take in a discarded, little African-American girl who is dying of AIDS.” (Psych! As you would say!) I was right, no one else was willing to take on this tremendous responsibility — if only they knew the JOY of which they deprived themselves! But I must admit, that Friday, when they decided one more time, even with AIDS to put you back home, we were overwhelmed with sadness, but almost relieved.

When you made yourself sick to get back to the hospital over the weekend, your Daddy and I had talked more realistically than ever before and we prayed, a LOT. Were WE capable of taking care of you, preparing you to die, bonding with a child who would die, dealing with our own personal fears and lack of knowledge about your disease, dealing with being legally forbidden to say what was wrong with you, fearing that people would find out anyway?

On and on, our thoughts ran in circles. Finally, we accepted that God knew we couldn’t do a perfect job, and that if we did the best we could, and found we couldn’t continue, we would say so — we would trust that there was a reason God had put you in the system at the exact time He was opening our hearts. So we trusted, and accepted the greatest gift God will ever give either of us — you, our precious daughter.

You captured my heart that very first moment: a dozen adults walking in front of me, you flew past all of them, wrapped your skinny little arms 1/2 way around me (cause that’s all the farther you could reach), looked up at me and said, “Are you my new mommy?” My heart melted and with it my doubts. As we proceeded down the hall, you asked the nurses, “This is my new mommy, isn’t she beautiful?” You were such a con-artist! (A word you heard often, and loved.)

Those two years, we never fought your dying — that was predetermined — instead, your Daddy used his nursing and I used my anger to fight the system to make your life as safe, child-like and normal as possible. At your pace, we prepared you to die; never realizing that each time we answered your questions about God, Heaven and death, we were also hearing the words that would prepare us to give you PERMISSION to die.

When you asked me what God looked like, my heart sank to the floor — in two seconds I was supposed to have the wisdom of the ages. Luckily I only needed the wisdom of a nine-year-old! I told you that just as God has many names, each person can choose to see God any way they wish. I told you that when I pray, I see God as a grandfather who looks a lot like Santa Claus, jolly and laughing, a person who’s lap I want to sit on and to whom I want to tell my secrets.

You liked that idea, and decided God was a clown. Later you decided Heaven was Disneyworld, so God had to be Mickey Mouse! (I thought that was real appropriate, since He was Black.)

But you were only nine, so when you told us heart-stopping stories and asked why people hurt you, I had to put my anger aside and tell you that some people do very bad things in this world, but that I was so sorry, and that God was sorry, and that we promised that NO ONE would ever hurt you again. And that some day you would be in heaven with God, and that there were no bad people in heaven, no disease, no pain, no fear — forever and ever.

But in the meantime Daddy and I would protect you — and you trusted me, because I had never told you lies or broken promises. So you knew Heaven was a safe place, a place where your body would be healed, where your pets were waiting for you, where you could slide down the rainbows, fly as an angel and have Tinkerbell’s body. (I also told you I could eat and not get fat, and shop and not get bills!)

Now I can tell you that MY earliest memories are also of sexual abuse (until I was 18), that as a child I prayed to God to rescue me, then to make my daddy go away, and finally to let me die. When God didn’t answer those prayers, I decided there wasn’t a God, how could there be a God who let such evil things happen to children. So I knew the same fear, loneliness, anger, voicelessness and rage that you knew and at 40 years of age, five years before we got you, I was 380# and had not left my home in 6 months.

That’s when I came to believe that God does not do the good or the evil in this world, that human beings make our Earth heaven or hell — but God is there, holding us up and giving us the strength and courage me need to make a difference in this world, if we ask, but WE have to fix the problems, starting with ourselves.

I know I said the words “I love you” more times each day, than I had previously said each year. When you said you hated your body, I told you that you had the body that God had given you, so it must be very special and constantly called you my “beautiful chocolate princess.” I know I tried every way possible to tell and show you how much you meant to me, but you died one week after your eleventh birthday, two years to the day that we got you, and there just wasn’t enough TIME!

You were too young to understand how your resurrected my life, our home, our marriage; how each time I fought for you, I was healing the abused child in me; how privileged we felt to have you in our lives; how beautiful and loved you made me feel; how proud you let me walk; what peace you brought to my heart; how I am learning to focus my anger for good purposes; how I have been brought into constant contact with God because of you; how much I welcome and relish the gift and challenge of a fresh start with each new day; how you taught me to REJOICE in all the gifts God gave this world and to USE all the gifts God gave me.

You taught me that miracles aren’t one single, earth-shattering event performed for the world to see — miracles are the small, quiet, unheralded tasks we perform to the best of our ability, one day at a time. You taught me that it is never too late to have a happy childhood; that if I nurture and protect the damaged child inside of me and reach out to others, I can transform those tears of pain into tears of joy.

My arms ached for the babies I never had, but you taught me that if I need someone to hold ME, I have to search for someone that NEEDS holding; if I need to feel loved, I have search for someone who NEEDS loved; and if my heart or soul feels empty, I have to search for someone else who’s heart needs fed.

The experts all say that children like you and I haven’t got much hope. You taught me (as you did so many times) that the experts are wrong! We are all born into this world as angels, but some of us get our wings damaged and can no longer fly. The miracle you showed me is that TWO angels with damaged wings can hold each other up — and if they can just hold on to each other long enough for their wings heal, they can BOTH take flight!

Thank you for healing my wings — THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SOAR! Thank you for loving me long enough that I could learn to love the woman I am becoming — thank you for being YOU!

I am glad that you are in heaven where words aren’t necessary, where all truths are already known, because mine are so inadequate. I am so grateful, words can never express the joy your two years gave so many people. It’s a good thing your love will sustain your Daddy and I for the rest of our lives, since the media has identified us as AIDS foster parents, we won’t legally be allowed any more children, their HIV status would be disclosed.

I believe that God will now show me the way to fight for ALL children and pray that you will give me what- ever words are necessary, so that I can write your story, lecture and educate. When I hear people say that AIDS is a curse from God — I will ask them to see that God didn’t send AIDS, but as with all evil in this world, He will see how decent people respond to the test. A man I know named Jesus went into the leper colonies — He didn’t expect all people to do that, but His view is pretty clear: “As you treat the least of these, so you treat Me.”

When this world accepts, as you taught us, that EACH child in this world is MY child, we will do whatever is necessary to heal our world, one person at a time. Good and evil both create an energy that we can feel in this world, and for too long many of us have let evil deeds outweigh the good. Now our world’s energy is VERY out of balance and it is evident in every aspect of our lives.

I believe that when we reach out to help another, we heal our own hearts, God smiles, and the energy of good in this world is increased. I have seen God’s smile — I have seen His smile on your face when you died — and I have felt the energy that love can create.

Tashia, your Daddy and I will love you forever and ever, clear-to-God-and-back.” Thank you for making this world a place where dreams come true — thank you for making our lives, and our home, a small piece of heaven. As you told me:

“YOU MAKE MY HEART SING!” Thank you, God.

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